COREY STRONG

I recently came across an interesting way of thinking about friendship that got me thinking about the people in my own life.

Apparently, there are different ways people experience friendship. Not everyone needs the same amount of communication, attention, time, or emotional depth from their friends. And honestly, I think understanding that can save us from a lot of unnecessary hurt.

Because sometimes we think someone is a bad friend when, really, they may just be a different kind of friend.

There are people who love constant connection. They text all day, send you random thoughts, want to know what you’re doing, and are always ready to make plans. They enjoy having a full social calendar and feel connected through regular interaction.

Then there are people who are much more selective. They may not call or text every day. They can disappear for a little while and then pick right back up where they left off. They aren’t necessarily distant or uninterested. They simply don’t need constant communication to feel close to someone.

There are also people who prefer fewer friendships, but those friendships tend to run deep. They aren’t particularly interested in making small talk with everybody. Give them one person they trust and a good conversation, and they’re perfectly happy. They may need plenty of time alone, but when they show up, they are really there.

And then there are people who want both: frequent connection and emotional depth. They want to talk often, check in, spend time together, share what’s happening in their lives, and really know the people they love. Friendship isn’t something they casually fit into their lives. It’s an important part of how they experience life.

None of these is better than the other.

That’s the part I think we sometimes forget.

We all have different expectations of friendship.

I might think, “If you’re my friend, why haven’t I heard from you?”

Meanwhile, my friend might be thinking, “I haven’t talked to you in three weeks, but you’re still one of my closest people.”

Neither person necessarily stopped caring.

They just have different definitions of connection.

And this is where I think knowing your own friendship style becomes really interesting.

Are you someone who needs regular contact to feel connected? Do you enjoy having lots of friendships and social interaction? Do you prefer a small circle and a lot of alone time? Do you want your friendships to be emotionally deep? Or do you need some combination of all of those things?

I started thinking about some of my own friends and realized how different we actually are.

One of my closest friends is perfectly comfortable going a while without talking. When we reconnect, there is no awkwardness. We just pick up where we left off.

Another friend loves to talk. They check in, send messages, share things throughout the day, and genuinely enjoy that ongoing sense of connection.

And I think knowing this about the people we love is important.

Because friendship can become difficult when we start measuring someone else’s friendship against our own.

We assume that if someone doesn’t call as often as we would, they don’t care as much.

If they don’t want to hang out every weekend, we assume they’re pulling away.

If they don’t open up emotionally in the same way we do, we assume they don’t trust us.

But what if we’re wrong?

What if we’re simply speaking different friendship languages?

That doesn’t mean we should ignore our needs. Your friendships should still feel reciprocal, respectful, and healthy. If you’re constantly giving while someone else constantly takes, that’s a different conversation.

But there is a difference between a friendship that is unhealthy and a friendship that simply operates differently than we do.

I think that’s an important distinction.

Knowing what kind of friend you are can help you understand what you need from your relationships. But understanding what kind of friend the people around you are can help you understand them, too.

And maybe that’s one of the most important parts of friendship: learning the person instead of constantly trying to make the person fit our expectations.

Some friends need a phone call.

Some need a dinner.

Some need a deep conversation.

Some just need you to send them a ridiculous meme every once in a while so they know you’re still thinking about them.

And some friends may not talk to you for weeks, but when you need them, they’re sitting right beside you.

Friendship isn’t always about frequency.

Sometimes it’s about knowing the difference between absence and distance.

And I think the older I get, the more I appreciate that distinction.

So, what kind of friend are you?

And perhaps even more importantly, do you know what kind of friends you have?

You might be surprised by what you discover.

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Photo by Aman Shrivastava.