COREY STRONG

I’ve been thinking about something lately.

If you ever find yourself wondering how much somebody really cares about you, or how important you actually are to them, maybe stop looking at how much attention they give you.

Look at how much time they give you.

Because I think we confuse the two all the time.

Somebody can text you all day.

They can like everything you post.

They can comment on your pictures.

They can send you funny videos.

They can tell you, “I miss you.”

And you start thinking, Wow, this person really cares about me.

Maybe they do.

But attention and time aren’t necessarily the same thing.

And I think that distinction matters.

Attention is easy. Time is different.

Attention can be really easy to give.

You can send somebody a text while you’re standing in line at Target.

You can like somebody’s Instagram post while you’re watching television.

You can send a heart emoji in about half a second.

None of that is necessarily bad.

But time?

Time requires you to actually stop and be present.

That’s why I think time tells us something attention sometimes doesn’t.

Recently, I was talking to a friend about a business idea I’m considering.

This particular friend is really good with finances, so I thought, You know what? Let me ask them for some help.

I wasn’t asking them to become my financial advisor.

I wasn’t expecting them to build my entire business plan.

I just wanted to talk through the idea with somebody who knows more about that stuff than I do.

Instead, they basically copied and pasted something from ChatGPT and sent it to me.

Now, I want to be clear.

I have absolutely nothing against people who use ChatGPT.

That wasn’t the point…

The point was that I wasn’t really asking for information.

I was asking for TIME.

I wanted somebody to sit with me and think through something.

And that little experience made me think about relationships in a completely different way.

Sometimes we’re not looking for attention. We’re looking for investment.

I think a lot of us spend so much time wondering:

Why doesn’t this person text me more?

Why didn’t they call?

Why don’t they check on me?

Why don’t they respond faster?

But maybe the better question is:

When they do have time, what do they do with it?

Because that’s where things get interesting.

You tell somebody you’re having a really hard week.

They text:

“I’m sorry you’re going through that.”

That’s nice.

But then another friend says:

“I’m sorry. Do you want to talk?”

You say, “I’m okay.”

And the next day they check on you again.

Then they say:

“I’m free Thursday. Let’s grab some coffee.”

That’s different.

One person gave you attention.

The other person gave you time.

And no, I’m not talking about being needy

Because I already know somebody is going to read this and think I’m saying everybody should drop everything for you.

No.

That’s not what I’m saying.

People have lives.

People have jobs.

People have kids.

People get tired.

People have their own problems.

Sometimes somebody genuinely doesn’t have the time.

That’s life.

I’m talking about the pattern.

When somebody consistently wants to be involved in your life, they usually find some way to make room for you.

Maybe it’s not today.

Maybe it’s not tomorrow.

But eventually they say:

“I’m free Saturday.”

“Call me when you get home.”

“Let’s get together next week.”

“Tell me how that meeting went.”

“I’ve been thinking about what you told me.”

That’s investment.

And I think we underestimate how meaningful those little things are.

You can be someone’s favorite notification and still not be important to them

That sounds harsh, I know.

But think about it.

You can be somebody’s favorite person to text.

You can have hours-long conversations with them.

You can send each other memes all day.

You can know everything happening in each other’s lives.

But when it comes time to actually show up?

They’re nowhere to be found.

And that’s when you have to ask yourself:

What exactly am I getting from this relationship?

Because sometimes we’re measuring closeness by communication instead of connection.

Those aren’t always the same thing.

Sometimes the answer isn’t that they don’t care

This is the part I think we need to be careful with.

If someone doesn’t give you the time you want, it doesn’t automatically mean they don’t love you.

Sometimes people are overwhelmed.

Sometimes they’re going through their own stuff.

Sometimes they simply have different priorities.

And sometimes, honestly, you’re just not as important to them as they are to you.

Ouch.

I know.

But that doesn’t necessarily make them a bad person.

It just means the relationship may not be as balanced as you thought it was.

And I’d rather know that than spend years trying to convince somebody to make room for me.

Stop trying to earn somebody’s time

I think this is where we get ourselves into trouble.

We start doing more.

We text more.

We become more available.

We invite them places.

We check in.

We help them.

We remember their birthday.

We remember their favorite coffee order.

We show up for everything.

And somewhere in the back of our minds we’re thinking:

Surely they’ll eventually do the same for me.

But relationships shouldn’t feel like you’re collecting loyalty points.

You shouldn’t have to keep doing things just to prove you’re worth showing up for.

Sometimes you need to stop doing the work for a minute and see what happens.

Not as a game.

Not to punish anybody.

Just observe.

Who reaches out?

Who checks in?

Who makes plans?

Who remembers what you told them?

Who follows up?

Who makes room?

That will tell you a lot.

Time tells a story

I think that’s really what I’m getting at.

I’m not saying you should literally start keeping a spreadsheet of everybody’s hours.

Although, please don’t do that…

I’m saying pay attention to the pattern.

Because time is one of the ways we communicate what matters to us.

We make time for the people we love.

We make time for the things we’re passionate about.

We make time for the things we believe are important.

Not always perfectly.

Not every single day.

But we find a way.

And when somebody consistently makes time for you, there’s something beautiful about that.

They are saying without necessarily saying it:

“You matter enough for me to make room.”

Look at the whole picture

This is where I think my idea of Puzzle Piece Perception comes into play.

Sometimes we’re looking at one little piece of a relationship and trying to make it tell us the whole story.

We’re looking at the text.

The phone call.

The like.

The birthday message.

The “I love you.”

And we’re using those things to convince ourselves that everything is okay.

But one puzzle piece doesn’t give you the whole picture.

You have to step back.

Look at the pattern.

Look at how somebody consistently treats you.

Look at what they do when you actually need them.

Look at whether they make room for you.

Because sometimes the answer you’ve been searching for isn’t in somebody’s words at all.

It’s in the time they give you.

And maybe that’s the question we should start asking more often.

Not:

“Why don’t they give me more attention?”

But:

“Do they make time for me?”

Because attention can make you feel noticed.

But time can make you feel valued.

And I think there’s a difference.

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Photo by UMUT.