COREY STRONG

I was having a conversation with some friends recently when one of them said something that made me stop and think.

She said, “I usually go by what my daughter says before I even run it by my husband.”

And then she said something along the lines of, “My daughter’s opinion is more important to me than anyone else’s.”

I understood what she meant.

She loves her daughter. She trusts her. She listens to her. She wants her daughter to feel supported and protected.

And honestly, I get it.

I’m a parent too. I spoil my child. I listen to my child. And yes, there have been plenty of moments when I have automatically taken my child’s side because, well, that’s what parents do.

But as I listened to my friend talk, I started thinking about something bigger.

What happens when being a good parent starts interfering with being a good spouse?

There’s nothing wrong with being close to your child

Let’s get that out of the way first.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with having a close relationship with your child.

Your child should feel like they can talk to you.

They should know you will listen.

They should know that if something goes wrong, you are going to show up.

And there are absolutely things children tell one parent that they don’t tell the other.

That happens in families.

Growing up, there were probably things you could tell your mother that you couldn’t tell your father, or things you could tell your father that you wouldn’t necessarily tell your mother.

Sometimes it was completely innocent.

“Don’t tell Dad I let you have dessert before dinner.”

“Don’t tell Mom I let you stay up late.”

“Don’t tell Dad how much I spent on this.”

Those little family secrets aren’t necessarily sinister. They’re often just part of the weird, funny ecosystem of raising children.

But there is a difference between a harmless secret and a secret relationship.

And that’s where I think things can get complicated.

When Mom and daughter become a team

Imagine a marriage where the mother and daughter have their own conversations, their own decisions, their own secrets and their own little world.

Dad finds out about things after the fact.

The daughter knows things Dad doesn’t.

Mom immediately takes the daughter’s side whenever there is a disagreement.

And when Dad questions something, Mom and daughter are already united.

At some point, you have to ask:

Is this a family, or have two people formed a team and left one person standing outside of it?

That’s a very different situation.

Because your spouse isn’t supposed to feel like a third wheel in their own marriage.

Your child isn’t your spouse

This is the part that really got me thinking.

Sometimes a parent can become so emotionally connected to their child that the child starts filling a role that really belongs in the adult relationship.

The child becomes the person Mom tells everything to.

The person Mom goes to for validation.

The person whose opinion carries the most weight.

The person Mom instinctively protects, even when the situation requires a more complicated conversation.

And eventually, the child can become less like a child and more like a confidant.

That’s where I think we need to be careful.

Your daughter can be your best girl.

Your son can be your little man.

Your child can be one of the most important people in your entire life.

But they shouldn’t have to become your emotional partner.

That’s not their job.

“But I’m always going to take my child’s side.”

I understand that instinct.

I have it too.

If my child comes to me upset, my first response isn’t going to be, “Well, let me hear everybody else’s side before I care about yours.”

I’m going to listen.

I’m going to protect my child.

I’m going to make sure they’re okay.

But listening to your child doesn’t mean automatically agreeing with them.

Protecting your child doesn’t mean protecting them from accountability.

And loving your child doesn’t mean making your spouse wrong every time your child is involved.

Sometimes loving your child means saying:

“I understand why you’re upset, but let’s talk about what happened.”

That’s parenting too.

And then there’s the secret problem

This is probably the part that concerns me the most.

If your child knows that Mom will keep things from Dad, what are we teaching them about relationships?

Because children learn more from what we demonstrate than what we tell them.

If they constantly see:

Mom + me = us

and

Dad = the person we don’t tell

what happens when that child grows up?

Do they learn that intimacy requires secrecy?

Do they learn that loyalty means choosing one person over another?

Do they learn that the person you’re closest to is the person you should hide things with?

Maybe not.

But it’s worth asking.

And this becomes even more complicated when that child becomes an adult.

Because eventually, your daughter is going to have her own partner.

Your son is going to have his own relationship.

They’re going to make decisions you don’t agree with.

They’re going to have problems you can’t solve.

And they’re going to need to learn how to build adult relationships without needing Mom to be in the middle of them.

There is a difference between closeness and enmeshment

I think that’s ultimately what I’m getting at.

Closeness says:

“You can always come to me.”

Enmeshment can start to sound like:

“You need me before anyone else.”

Closeness says:

“I’ll listen to you.”

Enmeshment can become:

“Your opinion determines what I think.”

Closeness says:

“I will protect you.”

Enmeshment can become:

“I’ll protect you even when you’re wrong.”

Those are very different things.

And honestly, I don’t think we talk about that enough.

Your marriage needs a relationship too

If you’re married, your spouse deserves to have a relationship with you that isn’t constantly competing with your relationship with your child.

That doesn’t mean your spouse always comes first.

Life isn’t a ranking system.

There will be moments when your child desperately needs you. There will be emergencies, difficult seasons, illnesses, heartbreaks, graduations, failures and everything else that comes with being a parent.

But your marriage shouldn’t become invisible simply because you became a parent.

Your child needs to see that adults can love their children deeply while also maintaining healthy adult relationships.

They need to see boundaries.

They need to see accountability.

They need to see disagreement without betrayal.

And they need to understand that love doesn’t require choosing sides every single time.

Maybe the real question isn’t “Who comes first?”

Maybe that’s the wrong question entirely.

Instead of asking whether your child or your spouse should come first, perhaps we should ask:

“Am I giving each relationship what it actually needs?”

Your child needs a parent.

Your spouse needs a partner.

Those aren’t the same roles.

And when we blur them, everybody can eventually get hurt.

So I’m curious what you think.

Is it healthy for a parent to consistently value their child’s opinion above their spouse’s?

Where is the line between being close to your child and becoming emotionally entangled with them?

And what happens when that closeness requires secrets between the parent and child?

I don’t think there is one universal answer.

But I do think it’s a conversation worth having.

Because sometimes the healthiest thing we can give our children isn’t our unquestioning loyalty.

Sometimes it’s the example of what a healthy relationship actually looks like.

And maybe that’s one of the greatest gifts a parent can give a child: showing them how to love someone deeply without losing yourself, your boundaries, or your other relationships in the process.

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