A friend of mine recently found herself in a situation that really made me pause.
She’s the type of person who notices everything every detail, every nuance, every misstep. She excels quietly but with precision, the kind of person who naturally lifts others by holding herself to a higher standard. You can tell immediately when she’s involved in something; things just run smoother, cleaner, better.
But a strange occurrence was happening around her: she was in the midst of a group of women who seemed to care more about potlucks, appearances, and theatrics than actually showing up and doing the work that mattered. The cause they were supposed to be serving was bigger than them, but their energy didn’t reflect it.
What made it tricky and exhausting for my friend was that as long as she went along with it, letting them slide, these women created more work, more trouble, and even misrepresented the effort the organization was actually putting in. And on top of it, she found herself at the end of several personal attacks.
We tried to make sense of it, and the pattern that emerged felt familiar to both of us: some people genuinely thrive off others’ accomplishments. They’ll cheer you on one moment, and the next, they’re trying to take you down. They want to be near your energy, but not necessarily for the right reasons. They want to bask in the shine, sometimes even control it, but not put in the work themselves.
I’ve seen it in families, in workplaces, and it’s always a little disorienting. It doesn’t make it hurt any less…But it does make you realize that this combination celebrating you while undermining you is just… a human behavior that some people seem to cultivate naturally.
Over time, you start to notice the signals:
- People who only show up when there’s a visible reward, recognition, or spotlight.
- Those who talk about “teamwork” but consistently create more work for others.
- People who use gossip, backhanded compliments, or personal digs as a way to stay in control of a situation.
- Anyone whose enthusiasm feels performative, not authentic.
Once you spot it, it becomes easier to protect yourself and your energy. You don’t have to engage in the drama. You don’t have to explain yourself. And you don’t have to let someone else’s shadow dim your shine.
Situations like these never feel completely comfortable, and each one is different, but the takeaway is the same: be aware of the energy around you. Protect the work you’re putting in, the integrity you’re showing, and the boundaries you need to maintain your own peace.
And if you can step back, observe, and move strategically, you can continue to thrive, even when others are playing a strange game you don’t want to be part of.
P.S. I have to know…Have you ever noticed someone celebrating you and undermining you at the same time?
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